Naked?

While talking to an obviously drunk female about an intoxicated male, with left sided weakness.  (Stroke like symptoms.)

Me: I want to do a little test over the phone before the Paramedics arrive.  Please ask him to Smile.
C: Its kinda dark out here, and he doesn't have any teeth.
Me: Ok, Ask him to raise his arms above his head.
C: Oh, no, no, no.  He can't he is laying in his pee, and he can't get up.
Me:  Just ask him to raise his arms, so we can see how he is doing?
C:  Ok, (talks to the pt and asks him to raise his hands) He can't he is laying in pee.
Me:  Ma'am, Ask the pt to say "The early bird catches the worm"
C: He is just saying "Don't do this to me, I'm naked."
Me: Ma'am, What are you doing to him?

Worser and worser....

Complaint: Headache.
Me:  Was there a sudden onset of severe pain?
C:  Its been getting worser and worser every day.
Me: So it was not a Sudden pain?
C: No. It just started tonight.
Me:  {in through the nose, out through the mouth.}

Spanish, yeah.

Complaint: Chest Pain

Me: Is he changing color?
C: Well, he is Mexican and I'm color blind.
Me: Regardless of him being Mexican or you being color blind, is he changing color?
C: No.
Me: Is he clammy?
C: Spanish - Yeah.
Me: SIR. Is he Cold and Sweaty at the same time.
C: No.
Me: Did he take and Drugs or Medications in the last 12 hours?
C:  Medicine, yeah. It was beer.
{Later on}
Me:  Do you have any aspirin or Bufferin Available?
C: Yeah, but its called Ibuprofen.

Long Addresses

When your address is a little something like 20000 NW 110st ST (not an actual address, actual address has been changed for privacy reasons

I'm going to assume you don't like people, and therefore have moved away from a good majority of them. Heed the flip side of your "real estate dilemma" is that it will take an ambulance a quick minute to get to you.  Its about the time it takes you to drive from the city, to home, give or take a few minutes.  Sirens mean get out of the way, not warp speed.

Excuse me?

While talking to a lady with some anxiety, chest pain and high blood pressure, I've gotten through all of the questions that I need, then I'm giving her instruction before I let her go....

Me:  Ma'am, the Paramedics are on their way, Pl- (She inturupts me)
C:  Oh, I have to go, I have to pee, Oh, I guess I'll just pee on a towel.
Me: ...... Excuse me? Ma'am, you have time to go to the bathroom. Please use the bathroom.

I'm just awake....

Me: What is the address of your emergency?
C: I called the Stallion non-emergency line.
Me:  Stallion doesn't have their own ambulance service, but we cover that area. What can I do for you?
C:  I'm just awake.
Me:  Uhm... Ok?
C: Well, I was looking through the phone book, and I haven't ever heard of this bank.  Do you know where it is?
Me: Sir, What can I help you with?
C:  I just want to know where this is, 1927 Cornerstone bank. I aint never heard of that.
Me:............. {Trying to grasp the words.}
C: I just gonna hang up. {Click, hang up.}

And $h*T

Me: What is the phone number that you are calling from?
C: He can't breathe and $h*T.
Me: Is that him yelling in the background?
C: Yeah, he can't breathe and $h*T
Me: If he is yelling he can breathe just fine -- What is the phone number that you are calling from?

The Dumas on Dumas

Me: What is the address of your emergency?
C: I'm over here.
Me: Where is that? Whats the nearest intersection?
C: Over west of Dumas. (pronounced Dew-moss)
Me: I need to know where you are, so I can send you some help.
C: I'm over here. 
Me: Sir, there is a lot of stuff west of Dumas, so I'm going to need you to narrow that down for me.
C: Damnnit! Its Off Dumas!
Me: Sir, I really need you to help me out here...
C: Well you go down that street for a little bit, then you turn left and you go a little ways. Then its right here.
{This went on for several minutes.....}

Things Dispatchers Say

Dan : Transfer for Toxic Shock Syndrome
Me: Wait, is that the thing on the side of tampon boxes? Seriously? 
Dan : Yup....

"Nurses"

Me: How old is your patient?
C: Oh, You would ask me that, wouldn't you? {very annoyed}
Me: Yes ma'am. This is basic Patient information.....

Ouchies!

Me: Ambulance is on the way, tell me exactly what happened?
C: I worked out pretty hard on the home gym yesterday, and my right arm has some light muscle tension, and I went to work, and worked through the pain, and I'm staying with my parents tonight, and I just thought it would be best to call the professionals.
Me: {slap face.}

Now taking reservations:

Well, I was working the radio for the last 6 hours, and quite enjoyed it. However my first 911 call went a little something like this:
Me: What is the address of your emergency?
C: My wife has abdominal and chest pain and I'm about a minute away from the hospital. You need to tell them we are coming so we don't have to wait in the lobby.
Me: I have nothing to do with your wait time in the ER. The hospital will determine that based on your wife's condition.

911, the new call light

C: I'm in the Emergency Room at XXXXX Hospital.
Me: Sir, You are already at the hospital, how can I help you?
C: I need you to send someone in, I'm in horrible pain.
Me: My colleague is calling the hospital to help you now.
{Heard in the background: knock, knock, knock.... Are YOU calling and AMBULANCE? {Nurse is super annoyed.}}

Da Inn

Me: How many weeks pregnant is she?
C: She at da inn. (The call may be at a hotel, or he may be trying to communicate "the end.")
Me: (after repeating the above transaction again.) Sir, there are 9 months in a pregnancy. How far along is she?
C: I think she almost done. {Pt can be heard in the background saying, "i don't know.)
---- After a few instructions, pt is pushing, and has been for a few minutes.
Me: Tell her to push hard.
C: Push!!!
Patient in the background: I AM!!
C: You ain't doing sh*t!
Me: {Stifling laughter} You might not want to say that to the woman having your baby.

Beware: Wasps!

Late Breaking News: Ambulance has been called to remove a wasp from a bedroom. Nope, no one stung or anything, just "come get it out of my bedroom." No please or anything. Jeez.... The manners on some people.

Do you have 2 hands?

On tonight's edition of "Conversations with Callers:"
Me: I'm going to tell you how to check your pulse, Find the Adams apple on your neck, feel on either side of it for a pulse.... {Caller interrupts}
C: I can't, cause I'm holding the phone.
Me: Do you have 2 hands? 
{Caller is "uhm-ing" and sounding confused}
Me: OK.... One hand is holding the phone, take your other hand and put it on your neck. Find the Adam's apple. (Repeat instructions.)
---- Later during the same call ----
Me: I want you to unlock the door, and turn on the outside lights.
C: Oh, it ain't nothing like that, I'm just sittin' here waiting on the "amboo-lince"
Me: Do you want them to find you quickly?
C: Why? I'm just waitin'
Me: Turn on the lights so they know which house is yours, Unlock the door so they can get into your house to help you.