Things Dispatchers Say

Dan : Transfer for Toxic Shock Syndrome
Me: Wait, is that the thing on the side of tampon boxes? Seriously? 
Dan : Yup....

"Nurses"

Me: How old is your patient?
C: Oh, You would ask me that, wouldn't you? {very annoyed}
Me: Yes ma'am. This is basic Patient information.....

Ouchies!

Me: Ambulance is on the way, tell me exactly what happened?
C: I worked out pretty hard on the home gym yesterday, and my right arm has some light muscle tension, and I went to work, and worked through the pain, and I'm staying with my parents tonight, and I just thought it would be best to call the professionals.
Me: {slap face.}

Now taking reservations:

Well, I was working the radio for the last 6 hours, and quite enjoyed it. However my first 911 call went a little something like this:
Me: What is the address of your emergency?
C: My wife has abdominal and chest pain and I'm about a minute away from the hospital. You need to tell them we are coming so we don't have to wait in the lobby.
Me: I have nothing to do with your wait time in the ER. The hospital will determine that based on your wife's condition.

911, the new call light

C: I'm in the Emergency Room at XXXXX Hospital.
Me: Sir, You are already at the hospital, how can I help you?
C: I need you to send someone in, I'm in horrible pain.
Me: My colleague is calling the hospital to help you now.
{Heard in the background: knock, knock, knock.... Are YOU calling and AMBULANCE? {Nurse is super annoyed.}}

Da Inn

Me: How many weeks pregnant is she?
C: She at da inn. (The call may be at a hotel, or he may be trying to communicate "the end.")
Me: (after repeating the above transaction again.) Sir, there are 9 months in a pregnancy. How far along is she?
C: I think she almost done. {Pt can be heard in the background saying, "i don't know.)
---- After a few instructions, pt is pushing, and has been for a few minutes.
Me: Tell her to push hard.
C: Push!!!
Patient in the background: I AM!!
C: You ain't doing sh*t!
Me: {Stifling laughter} You might not want to say that to the woman having your baby.

Beware: Wasps!

Late Breaking News: Ambulance has been called to remove a wasp from a bedroom. Nope, no one stung or anything, just "come get it out of my bedroom." No please or anything. Jeez.... The manners on some people.